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by PAUL CARPENTER
~~~O~~~
Good morning, class. My name is Mildred Mahli, and we'll be studying
current events today in summer school. Tommy, let's see what you brang to class.
"I brought an article from Saturday's paper," Tommy says. "It's about a
national survey and a local survey by the reporter from The
Morning Call. Some people think Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence
in 1848."
When DID he sign it?
"It was in 1776, and it wasn't Lincoln. It was ...."
Never mind. Was there anything INTERESTING in them surveys?
"Various people at the Lehigh Valley Mall thought there were anywhere from six to 50
stripes in the flag," Tommy says. "Nationwide, 12 percent think either Lincoln
or Benjamin Franklin was the first president."
So? Who was it?
"George Washington."
Ah, I don't think so, Tommy. Washington owned slaves, so it ain't politically correct to
refer to him as father of our nation. I'm afraid you get an F. Peggy, what did you bring?
"I have this item from Monday's paper about Thomas Jefferson getting upset over
something that was edited out of his draft of the Declaration of Independence," Peggy
says. "But it doesn't say what was taken out."
Thomas who?
"I can help with that," Tommy says. "Jefferson wanted to attack the king
for introducing slavery to the colonies, making it impossible to compete in some areas
without slaves."
Stop right there, Tommy. Jefferson also owned slaves and was a sexual libertine, so we
must not say anything nice about him in a government school. Freddy, what you got?
"Monday's paper had all this stuff about a big rumble in Gettysburg," Freddy
says. "It says 15,000 guys re-enacted Pickett's charge."
There was 15,000 pickets on strike? I wish our teachers union could get that many out to
help us get more pay for working nearly half a year every year. Anyway, you gets an A,
Freddy. Susie, what sort of Fourth of July topics did you find?
"I have two clippings from The Call, one from June 1 and another from the Fourth of
July," Susie says. "The first is about Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls.
Saturday's is about the other Spice Girls being on Letterman without her. It's so
sad."
Excellent, Susie. Culture is very important. OK, put your clippings away and we'll begin
today's class. Let me start by aksing you this: Who does Ginger Spice remind you of?
"Good golly, Miss Mahli, the word is `ask.' And the other word should be
`whom,'" Tommy says.
All right, that's quite enough from you, mister. Now, whom can tell me what Ginger looks
like?
"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" yells Jimmy. "She looks like Monica Lewinsky, except
she has yeller hair."
A gold star for Jimmy. And what should that learn us?
"That it's more important to study the sex lives of political leaders and not worry
about what they are doing to the Bill of Rights and all that history junk," Jimmy
responds.
Two gold stars. OK, class, tomorrow's assignment is an essay on why self-esteem and
do-gooderism should be compulsory and why merit pay for teachers should be outlawed. Extra
credit if you can explain why it's more better for schools to focus on developing good
football teams than on rubbish like English and math.
"Can I say just one other thing about Gettysburg?" Tommy asks.
Go ahead if it makes you happy.
"I just thought some words from the Gettysburg Address have added meaning these
days," Tommy says. "It was about how we should highly resolve that these dead
shall not have died in vain, that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of
freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not
perish from the Earth."
What idiot came up with that "government of, by and for the people" jazz? If
it's the last thing I ever does, I'm gonna pound it into your heads that government
regulates people, and not the other way around.
~~~O~~~ |
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